The Letters
by ercarterfan
Summary: Friendships built working together last a lifetime, moving away can't break the bonds that have been formed between these three friends or can it. Story beings in 1998 it explains a lot of what happens when The Only Certain starts up. Chapter 12 is up an
1. Default Chapter

_A/N: This story is set in 1998 and is the precursor to The Only Thing Certain. Please read and review and let me know what you think. Anna, Doug, Carter, friendships that are formed working together can last a lifetime._**  
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**The Letters**

** Chapter One: Summer Storms**

The lights had gone out for the third time that evening. The ER encompassed once again in total darkness for just the brief moment before the light, eerie, glow of the backup generator kicking in. We could run the necessary life saving equipment off the back up generator for a little while, but as for having lights, that wasn't going to happen. Not until power was restored. Nurses scurried about carrying flashlights checking on various critical patients first before moving to check on those who had the minor ailments.

Summer storms were always the worst and I never liked them. The loud sound of the thunder echoing in the background, the bright flashes of lightening as it tore thru the dark sky, the only source of light on such a dark and dreary night. The sound of the pelting rain as it hit the pavement, or came down hard onto the panes of glass in the windows. Covering your ears or closing your eyes didn't seem to even been effective in block out the storm that had covered Chicago this evening.

The entire day had been hot and unbearably muggy, one of those summer days that not matter what you were doing your clothes stuck to your skin, you could feel the thin layer of sweat the was covering you, coming between you and being comfortable, finding any relief to the heat was not forthcoming. Even the shower that I had taken earlier in the day hadn't eased it any, and here at nearly 10 o'clock I had that drenched feeling, that I and the scrubs that I wore had become one again.

Ah, a brief flicker, one that told you the lights were coming back on, but it was followed ever so swiftly by another flash of lightening, the noise of the thunder rumbling right after the lightening flash. The glimmer of electricity fading as there was that unmistakable sound of a transformer exploding in the background. Any thought of having the lights back on was thrust from my mind; it would be a long time now before we got the power back.

I moved down the hallway, the only light was that from the small pen light I held in my hand. Of course I hadn't thought to grab a flashlight before heading to check on my patients. Most of who were probably scared of the dark itself. I was a pediatrician first and foremost taking care of the littlest members of the Chicago population.

I loved kids, never having had any of my own, but found it so easy to work with other parent's children. I was still young though and there would be time to find someone eventually to settle down with and have a family. I moved into the exam room, I only had two patients in there, one of them I had been waiting on labs results for, the other a bed up on the peds floor for. Seeing that they were content and happy, the younger of the two curled up asleep his head resting on his mother's chest as I rocked him gently back and forth. The second one, sleeping soundly curled up on the gurney by himself. I was about 12 and her mother was sleeping in the chair next to the bedside.

There was a third patient in there, curled up in a bed on the far side of the room; I assumed that it belonged to the senior pediatrician, the one doctor there that on any given day I was sure to butt heads with. There was something about our personalities that seemed to always clash. Maybe it was because I was an independent, strong willed person who was never able to back down. Or maybe it was because we both always fought for our patients as if we were the only person who cared about them. Granted we were both overachievers that you could see. Double boarded, well rounded, highly educated doctors, who were out to save the world, or at least save the children.

As I checked over my small patient, there was a loud crashing noise from behind me and I jumped a mile into the air swearing that I had been alone in the room other than the sleeping parents and patients. I spun around as if I was on fire at the sound.

"Jesus Doug." I said when I finally recognized the outline of the other physician in the room, "you scared the hell out of me. I didn't know anyone else was in here, I thought I was alone."

"I have that effect on people or so I've been a told, startling woman that is." He said giving me his boyish smile as he ran his hand thru his hair "didn't mean to scare you there Anna. I was just looking for something and I guess well in the dark is not the best time to be looking. Stuff tends to jump out of these cupboards at you."

I moved across the room now, my patients had stirred at the sound of the loud noise but they seemed to be settling back down with the aide of the parents. "What is it that you are looking for?" I asked now standing beside him, "searching and disturbing the kids in here, you big meanie, and you call yourself a pediatrician." I poked his side smiling softly at him.

There seemed to be times when we could get along, however, they were few and far between and it always seemed to break the ice between them if one of the two of them cracked a joke at the other.

"I was looking for the nebulizer for another patient." He said, "Guess it's not in here."

"No it's not in there." I crossed the room, "got put back over here." I pulled it out holding it for him, "guess you need to pay more attention to where stuff goes." I laughed softly now, "especially since after all this is your department."

"No you have to stop moving stuff." He said smiling back at me, "I keep it over here so that I know where it is when I need it."

"Yeah and that was?" I inquired, "1994?"

"Ha," Doug scoffed back at her now, "you are a regular clown there doctor. Remind me to get you a big red nose for while you are treating your patients so that everyone knows."

"Can't," I poke back, the bantering tonight in the dark was actually keeping my mind off the weather outside, "you keep stealing the show, you can out clown me any day. You take the cake there."

Doug leaned back against the counter his arms crossed over his chest as he talked with her. "How are things with you are Dr. Carter?" There was a small smirk on his face as he asked that.

"What, things with me and Dr. Carter?" I responded back almost with an inflection that I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Oh come on there Anna." He said still smirking at me, "we all know that you and Carter really, _really_ like each other."

"Well I hate to tell you this, but there's nothing between me and Dr. Carter." I ever so defiantly crossed her arms over my chest as if that would say to him, you are so off base.

"Newsflash Anna." Doug said smiling, "you can't hide anything in this ER from anyone. The nurses here will pick up on even the subtlest of attractions, or an attraction that's there before you even know it yourself."

"I find that one a little hard to believe." I said looking at him. "Especially since there is nothing going on between Carter and me, seriously I don't know what they are thinking, we can barely get along." Well that wasn't completely true, I got along with Dr. Carter alright when needed. And there was a hint of a friendship there, but really nothing more than that. I wasn't looking for anything more than that right now.

"Yeah you barely get along." Doug mimicked back, "come on if things got much more heated between you two I would need a fire extinguisher. Talk about sexual frustration and tension."

Oh, he could get under my skin when he wanted to, and there were times when it seemed just too easy for him to rile me, "yeah well it takes someone who's frustrated themselves to see it in someone else. Are things not well between you and Nurse Hathaway?"

"There's nothing going on between me and Carol." Doug said looking at me, his eyes trying to convey how serious he was about that one, but in the dimly lit room his body language gave him away.

"Yeah I believe that one." I smiled at him now knowing that I had him between a rock and a hard place. "That's why you drop Carol off at the EL tracks every morning when you both work?" I nudged his arm as I said that one, "come on Doug you and Carol have something going on you just don't want the ER to know about it."

"I don't do that." Doug said trying to dig himself out of the hole that he suddenly found himself in. "You are seeing things or making things up."

"I take the EL everyday that I work Doug," I said with a smile on my face, "I know I've seen you dropping Carol off more than once. Guess you two have a thing and it's pretty hush-hush." I grinned now like a Cheshire cat. "Guess I'm privy to some information that I shouldn't be. Maybe I should talk to Lydia about it, maybe Haleh; they might find that to be some pretty good gossip."

"Oh you wouldn't would you?" Almost as if he half expected me to go running and blab his secrete to everyone.

"Probably not," I said with a sly grin.

"Good cause then I would have to feed them the information about seeing you and John having dinner at the Italian restaurant over off Michigan Avenue the other night."

"We didn't do that." I said me mouth open a little from the shock I didn't think anyone else would have been there; after all it was fairly new and kind of out of the way. But I wasn't going to deny that I had, had dinner with Carter, it just wasn't what Doug thought that it was.

"Seems like Carol and I aren't the only ones trying to keep a romance under wraps," he said with a smile at me again, "guess maybe we should cut a deal here."

"There's no deal to cut." I said. "You don't have to worry about me telling anyone about you and Carol." I looked at the ground now. "The secrete is safe with me." I sighed softly now, "I was having dinner with Carter to tell him goodbye."

"You were what?" Doug asked, completely caught off guard by what the resident doctor had just said to him. "You're leaving us?"

"Yeah I am." I said softly now, "Max asked me to go back to Philadelphia with him."

"Oh wow." Doug said, he could have sworn, along with everyone else a new romance starting to blossom. "Carter probably didn't take that one too well."

"No he didn't." My eyes still cast down at the ground below my feet, "I'm just finishing up my residency here and then I am going back. Tonight, this is my last shift here; I just hadn't said anything to anyone about it. Well anyone other than Carter."

"I see, don't worry I won't say anything. I'm glad you said something to me though." He honestly meant that, "you're a good doctor and I hate to lose you from the staff."

I let out a soft laugh now, "oh come on, you hate working with me. You have since I first stepped foot inside this hospital. I do believe that you told Weaver to take me off your hands because I was too much of an overachiever for you. That you were intimidated enough by me."

"Hey that's just my way of saying I kind of like you." He quickly added, "As a friend of course."

"Of course," I replied back to him, "hey if nothing else you aren't bad as a teacher, well if you would stop kicking me off peds cases I think we'd both get along a lot better."

He smiled, "oh but you are here for your emergency department residency, not a pediatric one. You already are, as has been pointed out to me several times, a very good pediatrician."

I smiled and laughed a little more, "oh now I have to remind you that you are not the only board certified pediatrician in this ER. You had competition on your heels. But the reason I didn't say anything is because I didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it. I just wanted to slip away from Chicago and quietly as I came here."

"Oh yeah that first day you arrived at County was really a quiet one." Doug said looking at me, "you didn't make a quiet arrival."

"Hey those were circumstances that were beyond my control." I said as that first shift came fully back to me mind. "It was great working with you Doug." I said as the lights flicked finally back to life again and I headed for the door.

"Yeah it was great working with you too kid. You'll have to write every now and then you know, let me know how life is treating you." He said giving me a wink and smile as he watched me walk out the door to finish up what he now knew to be my last shift at County.


	2. You can't say I don't ever write

**Chapter 2: You can't say that I don't ever write.**

The time got away from me and before I knew it I had been at home for almost 6 months. I loved being back in Philadelphia and near my family again of course I missed all the friends that I had made while working at County but the two people that I found that I missed the most were Doug and Carter. For some reason it was the two who popped into my head more than anyone else.

I sat down that night after working a long shift having more trauma patients than I care to have had to deal with and the loss of a youngster that no one expected. I decided that it was time to write my friends again, after all I promised Doug I would keep in touch.

_December 12, 1998_

_Hey Doug,_

_Yeah I would have started this one Dear Doug, but hey you are so not dear to me. Friend yes, dear not a chance, but I'm sorry that I haven't written in a long time. I can't believe that it's been almost six months since I left County for Philadelphia. Things here are good, really they are. I have settled into working again and while I miss County, this job is better than that one. Max is somewhere in California this week doing another feasibility study for another ER, but the break away from him is nice. Could you please tell Carter, Carol and everyone else that I say hello and that I miss them. However much I do miss them, it's nice to be home again and have my family near me. My dad seems to be the happiest of all that I decided to come back home. He's constantly inviting me over for dinner and the likes, my schedule allows for me to have time with them which is nice can't complain there. Don't have to work as many nights here as I seemed to work while I was in Chicago. I knew I missed home while I was in Chicago but didn't realize just how much I had until I got back home and could be around them all the time again._

_I get to spend Christmas this year with all my younger brothers, I so missed doing that last year, that and my stepmother can cook a lot better than I can. I might be in Chicago after the first of the year for a pediatric conference at Northwestern, but I don't know for sure yet, the chief hasn't told me if he is going to give me the time off to go. It would be nice to see everyone again if that's the case, maybe we can get together for drinks or something. Play that one by ear I guess. Other than that life is good. But I told you that I would keep in touch and really I just don't write. I know that I should but hey what can I say if you would get email then I would be more than happy to write more often cause half the time I can't find my pen and the other half of the time I can't read whatever it is that I scrawl down… you know that doctor's have really, really bad handwriting and I am no exception to that._

_Take care of yourself and don't be causing too much trouble there. I know you have a knack for getting yourself into hot water with everyone._

_Anna_

It was then that I sat down and wrote a second letter, guess if I figured that if I was going to do it I really should do it. And since it wasn't overly late yet I figure why not. I would end up talking to him probably some time next week. I tried to call Carter once a month unless he called me first. Let him foot the phone bill for the late night conversations between Philadelphia and Chicago.

_December 12, 1998_

_Hey John,_

_Yeah I'm still not going to start any Dear John letters when it comes to you. You know what though today was a really crappy day. I had this trauma that came in and then another and another, I swear that if they lived in Philadelphia today was the day for accidents. Lost a patient today too. I don't think that I will ever get used to that. Some days you feel like you can save the world and then others there is nothing that you can do write. Oh by the way I lost your email address, you want to send it to me again. Hmm guess in order for you do to that I need to give you mine. Now don't you laugh when you get this either cause it's really hard to find good email names and come on I could use my real name that just would be too professional.  
Anna.kiddo. yeah it's nothing original or charming but that's life. _

_Nothing exciting has happened here, well if it has I have managed to miss it. But that leads me into the fact that I have kind of been missing you. Not like massive amounts but I have missed having you around, someone to hang out with on the occasion and not to mention the rides to journal club. Don't have to do that anymore now do you. Lucky you. _

_No, I know that things will get better, come on they have to right? It's just hard adjusting to everything again, don't get me wrong I am really happy to be back in a place where I feel like I know everyone and my way around, but the staff at County had started to become like a second family to me too. Tell everyone I say hello and give them my love. I will write again soon. _

_Take Care Carter, _

_ Anna _

I put the pen down when I finished getting them ready to mail. In a way I missed being at County but this was home, and home wasn't something that you could find just anywhere. I might have eventually had been this comfortable in Chicago but for right now, Philly was where I felt I totally belonged.


	3. We could talk all night

**Chapter 3: We could talk all night**

**Chicago:**

Doug read the letter and then told those whom I had asked him to say hello to hello for me. He was sitting in the lounge now with a cup of coffee waiting for Carol to get off work.

"Hey you," Carol said as she crossed into the lounge.

"Are you finally off now?" Doug asked as he looked up from the letter.

"Yeah I am the never ending shift has come to an end." Carol glanced to see what he was doing now as she got ready for them to leave for the night. "Are you ever going to write her back?"

"Probably not," he said as he stood up, "I mean I said that we should keep in touch I just never expected her too. It's one of those things that friends say but you know you never do."

"Well you know she made the effort you should at least try to make the same back. It's not like some horrible person whose stalking you; Anna's a colleague and friend." Carol pulled her coat on now, "you don't do it I might have to and find some really horrible things to say about you." she grinned at him as if she already had this letter planned in her head.

"Okay, okay you have made your point, I will, I'll do it tonight." He smiled as they walked out of the ER together, "you my dear, can mail it tomorrow."

They headed home and when they got there Doug sat down with a pen and paper wondering just what he was going to say back to her, it's not like a whole lot was happening there at County.

December 29, 1998

_Anna,_

_I didn't think that you would honestly take the time to sit down and write, but really it's great to hear from you. I said hello to Carter and Carol for you and everyone else, they all say to say hello back when I write you. So there I guess you know that they all say hello. What can I say there's really not that much going on here, other than Carter is miserable with out you, but then you already know that much. Really he's doing pretty horrible but he took on this job as a RA at the med school and you know college kids he isn't getting any sleep with as much as they lock themselves out or flood the floor. _

_It would be great to see you when and if you get to come back to Chicago. We'll definitely have to get together for drinks when you get here. Carol and I would both love to catch up and talk to you again. The peds ER isn't the same with out you but I do have some more help Jeanie is my PA and having her helps out a lot other than that there's just me working in it.. Carter has a new med student; his luck hasn't gotten any better since you were here. She's a handful and then some. She's got this little handheld palm pilot and its got medical software on it and showed Carter up the first day I was here needless to say Carter isn't impressed by Lucy at all. _

_Well I hope that you can read my chicken scratch here, what they say about doctors and handwriting goes for me too. Yours is a lot easier to read but hey I'm writing this so I know what it says. Carol picks on my handwriting all the time at least I didn't write to you in all capital letters which I HAVE THIS HABIT OF DOING AT TIMES WHEN IT'S REALLY CONVIENT AND I WANNA MAKE SURE PEOPLE CAN READ IT. HAHA. _

_Okay yeah I still have my sense of humor Weaver hasn't suck that out of me yet. I might just yet though. Hopefully you don't end up with a boss like that in Philadelphia. Take care of yourself and maybe one of these days I will get email and then you will be able to read what I write._

_ Doug_

Carter had gotten his letter from Anna as well, they might have talked on the phone but it was still nice that she had actually taken the time to send him one too. He wasn't much for writing and would send her an email later, if not he'd definitely take the time to call her that evening once he was off work, besides she was more fun to talk to rather than to write. On the phone he could hear her voice and her laughter, more so that he could in the letters.

He got home from work that night after his shift making himself comfortable in his favorite chair as he picked up the phone and dialed her number waiting to hear her familiar voice on the end of the line.

Philadelphia

I had just gotten home from work, trying to get the door to the apartment open while trying desperately not to drop the bags of groceries that I was balancing precariously now while fighting with the keys to unlock my door. If I didn't drop anything and was able to get there in time it would be a miracle. I did manage to get the door open and kicked shut by the time the phone had rang twice and I dropped everything onto the counter in the kitchen as I reached grabbing the phone on the third ring. "Del Amico."

"Hey there Anna."

I heard Carter's voice on the other end of the line and in a way I was more than happy to hear it. "Hey Carter." A smile instantly formed on my face when I said that, "what up in the wonderful world of Chicago?"

"Oh about that much." I hear him say with a soft laugh in his voice, seemed to me that he was as happy to hear me as I was to hear him.

"That's reassuring to know, I would hate to think that I was missing all the good stuff now that I'm back home." I move so that I can start to put groceries away as I conversed with an old friend. "Any reason for calling or did you just need to run your phone bill up?"

"Ah I don't need a reason to call other than to talk to you, and don't you worry about my phone bill I think I can handle anything that you throw at me time wise." He said to me with a laugh.

"It's not your phone bill that I worry about." I start putting food into the fridge kicking it shut with my foot.

"Things going well with you and Max."

I knew that had to be a bitter topic for Carter to bring up, "yeah well as well as they can be, he's not here right now, I think that they sent him to Utah or someplace out west like that. I'm not sure I'd have to check the calendar to see just where he was at."

"And work that's going well?"

"Yeah it's going okay, better today than it's been in awhile but then you have your good days and your bad days, I think that I am due for a few good days." I say as I finish up what I am doing and head into the other room to sit down and get off my feet, "what can I say long hours but the pay is good and it's nice to be back with friends and close to my family again."

"All those Sunday dinners after going to mass." He said back, "you must have missed that."

"Well the dinners yes, mass not so much and yes that's what I have been doing." I laugh, "it's not as bad as you make it sound. Besides what else am I going to do, it's family and work that's all you have sometimes."

"Oh I don't know friends, maybe a social life, those kinds of things are important too ya know."

"Yeah I know and don't worry I do plenty of both, well not plenty but I do get out, I'm sorry if I implied that I was friendless or that I didn't have a life outside of work." I put my feet up now, "you know it's just hard sometimes those 12 hour shifts don't leave much time for socializing outside the office."

"That's a clear sign that you are working to many hours." He said to me. "You need to relax kick back and have a beer."

"There will be plenty of time for that in a couple of years when I finish up my residency." I told him, "you know the life of a resident all work and no play and when they do play we really play."

"You should come up to Chicago for a visit you know that."

"Okay yeah right, nice try Carter but I really right now don't have the time to get away like that." I find myself saying, "I know it would be nice to see everyone again but me coming back to Chicago has about as much of a chance of happening as me being a Chief at any point in my career."

"Well that give me some hope." I could hear him say, there was now a sense of sincerity in his tone of voice, "you're a good doctor Anna, anything that you want is possible just remember that."

"What would I do with out a friend like you John?" I ask back.

"Not be on the phone for hours." He said with a small laugh.

"Uh no see I'm a woman and long drawn out gossipy phone calls are a trait that we are born with, we know how to talk and we aren't afraid to use the gift of gab."

"Okay well technical loophole there that doesn't really count."

"Yeah right," I say with a soft laugh, "so how are things going with you?"

"I have yet another annoying med student."

"You just have bad luck with the draw when it comes to students don't you." The ones that Carter had gotten while I was there left something to be desired for the most part, "guess you can never get a break."

"She's not that bad, really she's pretty good at what she does, when she does it." Carter said, "she's like this little energizer bunny that keeps going and going and going."

"Well that doesn't sound that bad, she must give you time to take the good cases rather than be stuck in suture Siberia where you were most of the time while I was there."

"Yeah well that's the upside to it, but about the only one right now."

"One upside is better than no upside." I say back to him, "patience Carter all will work out in the end you just wait and see it can't be all roses all the time, but then it can't be all bad all the time either. She'll get it; after all she's got a good teacher to teach her."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

Carter and I talked for a few hours as the hour grew later; finally I had to stop him I had a shift in the morning and I needed to get some sleep it might have been great to hear from him and we could have talked for a long time, but with the hours I knew that we both kept all good things had to come to an end.


	4. Tracking you down isn't easy

**Chapter 4: Tracking you down isn't easy….**

May 20, 1999

_Doug –_

_Sorry that I have taken so long to write back to you again, but things here got extremely busy. I got promoted at the hospital and I am now not only a pediatric attending but I am associate chief of pediatrics here. I was happy to be given the position but the job came with a lot more responsibilities than I thought it would. That and my dad got really sick last month so I've been trying to spend as much time with him as I can lately I had to reorganize my priorities, jobs come and go but you only get one family, and you only can have one real Dad.. _

_Sorry to hear about Carter and his luck with med students that man can't seem to get the good ones. I'd ask you how he's doing but well Carol wrote me a few weeks ago and said that you had taken off for Seattle and that she was forwarding your new address to me so that I would have it. Man I can't believe that you went and left Chicago with out Carol. You are insane my dear man, totally and completely insane. I thought that I was nuts for leaving Carter, but you have been with Carol for forever and a day, thought that things were going really great with you. But then I think that I also told you to stay out of trouble, but I know that you did it for the good of your patient, that's part of what makes you such a good pediatrician. Wish I had the guts to stand up for a patient like that, but then I'm to afraid that I will lose my job, right now I kind of need it. Enough of that kind of talk however cause I did not write to cry on your shoulder. And I have nothing right now that would need a shoulder to cry on either. Things are still okay, they could be better but they are still okay, you know what I mean, no one's life is perfect and I don't expect mine to be perfect either._

_Come to find out I won't be going to that conference after all, but I will be attending on in Huston Texas and then one in Boston later this month too. Seems that my boss has some better uses for my time and well he wanted to go to the one that was given at Northwestern so I got to stay and hold down the fort so to speak. I have to do all the parts of the job that he doesn't want to do or feels that he shouldn't have to do. Man what I wouldn't give at times to still be working under the staff at County rather than this tyrant. But those were and always will have to just be the good old days I guess FYI this guy makes Weaver look like the tooth fairy he carries this giant whip and has no fear of cracking it over some poor schmuck's head. He's a real jerk to the majority of the residents and expects way to much of them so I find that most of my time is spent trying to get the out from under his iron fist but it will all work out in the end, things always do._

_Guess I should give you the good news too, Max and I are getting married. Yup, never thought that would happen but he asked about two weeks ago and well I didn't think of a good reason to tell him no. Although maybe I should have, but I think that's just me being scared. I mean a marriage proposal while it's a happy thing it's also a terrifying experience, here I am thinking about devoting my life to one person. I'll let you know when a date is set._

_Take care of yourself_

_Anna_

Doug was shocked when he got another letter from Anna, especially since he was in Seattle now. But then he guessed to it was kind of important to have friends. Since he had burned most of if not all of his bridges in Seattle, maybe having Anna as a friend wasn't so bad after all you could never have too many friends. Besides what could it hurt to carry on a letter conversation between two old colleagues who were both pediatricians, you never knew when the other person might be able to help with a case that stumped you.

_May 31, 1999_

_Hey there miss Anna…._

_What can I say at times I feel like a complete fool for leaving Carol in Chicago but there was nothing there for me after the incident with Rickki and his folks, I was still pretty much in trouble for Josh at that point too, burned to many bridges. That's not to say that life in Seattle is all that bad… it's nice here and the weather is pretty good once you get used to the rain, and really it doesn't rain as much as people think it does here. I don't have to water my lawn that's for sure. And I get a fresh start at a new hospital that's not familiar with my antics and habit of breaking the rules every chance I get. _

_Although I think my days of rule breaking are over at least for this week. How many fresh starts are people allowed, there are 50 states I guess so I could start over a lot of I had to. Not that starting over 50 times is on my list of things to do. County and Carol were the two longest commitments that I had ever managed to make in my life and now, well now I guess it's time to try again. I don't know I would like to think that I haven't completely blown it with Carol. Time is the only thing that will tell with that. But hey that is enough of the sob story that has become my life._

_It's good to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing and if since I had upped and moved so fast if you'd be able to find me. Although it's not like I don't know where you are, hiding out in Philadelphia, you are so addicted to that city I don't think I'll ever hear that you have moved. The day you do move I will be in a state of complete and total shock. Ha, you move I still find that funny. The thought alone is enough to crack me up so that I can barely write. HAHA! _

_Sorry to hear that your dad is sick, hope he gets better here soon for you. I know that's got to be tough on you since you are so close with your family. I guess congrats are in order, I know you and Max will be good together, as long as he treats you well, if he doesn't well he'll have to deal with me. I know that you mentioned that he was still doing those studies for hospitals must be good work in that for him. Don't' hesitate to call and let me know if you are going to be up this way, we'll definitely have to get together and talk. I don't have many friends after all this and hearing from you has been the highlight of my rather long day. I'm glad that Carol wrote you and told you. I have to go now thought because I'm getting ready to pull a double shift covering for a coworker who needed the night off._

_ Doug_

I got Doug's letter reading it brought a smile to my tired face. I had worked three shifts in a row and was worn completely out. Yet somehow that letter in the mailbox made my day seem not so bad. Doug seemed to be doing well and that was a high point. Maybe having to leave Chicago wasn't going to be a bad thing after all. I would have written him back that night but I was so tired I figured I'd get to it later. After all, how much of a difference could a day make?


	5. Upside down and inside out

**Chapter 5: Upside down and inside out**

_August 23, 1999_

_Doug…_

_Oh I know it's been months since I've sat down and wrote but my life has been turned completely upside down right now. I don't even know where to start right now. It's only been three months since I last wrote to you I know that. I'm sorry for that. I should make an effort to write to you more often but lately I just haven't had the time. I guess I should start where all the bad stuff started. It's always best to start at the beginning or so I have been told a few times._

_Okay before I get into the bad stuff let me just give you the one piece of what a few months ago was good news, it's not so good anymore. Max and I went down to Reno on a small short vacation back in June and well we decided that life was short, and that we didn't want to bother with all the formal stuff with everything else that was going on and we tied the knot on June 10th._

_My dad passed away last month sadly. I don't know what I am going to do with out him. He's always been there for me and at times I get overwhelmed now because I don't have him to go and talk to. Max and I right now are doing well either. It's been pretty stressful on both of us and I don't know how to make it any less strenuous. I wish I knew how to fix it but I don't think that this time I can. _

_I lost my job yesterday and that didn't do anything good for us either. I don't want to admit it to anyone but I think that he's using again. But if that's the case he won't talk to me about it, and I'm almost afraid this time to confront him about it, just because I could be so wrong. And if I am wrong that's just going to cause even more problems cause he'll think that I don't trust him anymore, and maybe I don't that could be part of our entire problem. Needless to say I just don't know what to do anymore. There doesn't seem to be a simple answer to this and the solution is one that I can't seem to find._

_Speaking of that, I know that I can trust you, more than anyone else in the world, especially right now. I almost screwed it up, threw everything away, momentary lapse of weakness, something like that but everything had really gotten to me and it was right there, right in front of me and I wanted to like I have never wanted to before. I hate temptation it's an evil thing I mean granted I didn't cross the line that time but it's not the only time that I have thought about it in the last few weeks, seems like every time I turn around the opportunity is there for me. I'm just not doing well and I know it, but I'll save the rest of it for later._

_How are you doing? You know that I think about you every now and then. I find myself wondering how that new job of yours in Seattle is going and if you're happy there. Do you know if they have any opening for a pediatrician? Yeah I know you said that the day I moved you would be in complete shock but I just don't know how much longer I can stay in Philadelphia right now. I almost don't feel safe here right now. But that doesn't mean that I want you to worry about me because I'm fine really, probably just paranoid about everything and well that's me. Miss Independent feels a little less independent right now._

_I talked with Carter a little while ago. He seems to be doing better now. He and Lucy seem to be getting along and she's not the horrible med student that he thought she was going to be. Guess after all this time he finally got one that isn't going to kill him. I guess congratulations are in order he told me that you were going to be a dad here soon. Carol's pregnant that must be wonderful for you two. I know that you will both be great parents. I'm sure that even with the distance between you two that you'll find a way to make it work._

_Well I need to go Max is yelling for me from the other room now. I don't want him to get too peeved at me thinking that I am not listening to him or that I'm not here when I really am. It would just add fuel to a fire that doesn't need to be fed. Not that he'd ever hurt me, no he's not that kind of man but I don't want to push buttons, I don't want us to have a major fight and one of us end up walking away from something that could get better. I know that we love each other and that this isn't meant to be easy, but sometimes the effort that it takes to keep it together just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Anyways I have to run. _

_Take care Doug,_

_Anna_

Doug got off work and opened up Anna's letter, after reading it he was a little worried about her. Something just didn't seem right with her. It was one of the longer letters that I had written him and even her saying I didn't feel safe anymore was enough to raise alarms with him. Being on the complete opposite coast there wasn't much that he could do from there. He hoped that she was just feeling stressed from everything that had been happening with her over the last few months, but for something to have happened that she would have gotten fired for with Anna not saying anything other than she lost her job, that concerned him as well. For he knew Anna never broke the rules, she was always on time, dressed well for her position, something didn't add up right here and he didn't know what to make of it. So he sat down that night writing her back right away.

_August 29, 1999_

_Hey Anna,_

_I got you letter today and I'm sitting down to answer it right away. I think that this must be a first for me. I normally am pretty bad about these kinds of things but hey you're my friend and well I wanted to._

_I'm sorry about your dad. I know that's got to be pretty hard on you. It's terrible when we lose someone that's that close to us. And from what you've told me you and your dad were pretty close. But I know that you are strong, you are very strong and if anyone can get through something like that I know it's you. You've got a lot of friends, so don't you forget that. Don't you hesitate to call me if things get to tough and you want someone to just talk at, you know that I will always have time for you._

_So you lost your job huh, well that's just not right, I don't know a harder working doctor than you. Okay I know one, that's me ( that better have made you smile) But in all seriousness since you have some time off now why don't you come spend a few days up here in Seattle and visit an old friend. I'd be more than happy to pick you up at the airport and well I have this really nice house on Lake Washington that has an extra room not being used that you can have. I'm sure you've earned yourself a vacation and maybe you and Max just need a little time apart from each other until your nerves aren't so raw. The death of a parent, I'm sure as you are well aware of, is extremely stressful and right now it's probably just getting to both of you. But really you are more than welcome here if you need or want to get away for a little while. _

_I'm doing fine, well as well as can be expected. I'm adjusting to life up here with out everyone; I miss my friends in Chicago and my friend in Philadelphia too. I can't pull the pranks here that I could back when I was in Chicago. They don't know me well enough and I don't know them well enough yet to be up to my old tricks just yet, but I'm getting there._

_Carol's due in December but I don't think she'll get that far. She said that we are having twins but doesn't want to know if we are having girls or boys. She feels that this is one of the true surprises in life and wants to wait. So I have no idea if I am having sons or daughters. But either way I am excited. _

_The hospital where I work can always use a good pediatrician, granted they have only one right now (okay I am joking there) but still yeah they could use another one and I'm sure that I could speak highly of you if you wanted me to since after all what are friends for._

_You just let me know what you need and Anna honestly if I can I will do what I can to help you out. You are a friend and I would fly over there right now if I could to help get you through this. There's nothing that I wouldn't do if it's with in my power okay so don't' you hesitate to ask._

_Take care of yourself there missy I want to hear from you soon so that I know that everything is okay with you._

_ Doug_

Doug decided that he needed to take the initiative here and he stuck in a plane ticket for her to Seattle. He knew if he sent it to Anna he would end up guilt tripping her into coming up to Seattle, he'd feel better once he saw her with his own eyes.


	6. All it does is rain

**Chapter 6: All it does is Rain**

I packed my bags to head to Seattle, okay the only reason I was going was because Doug had sent the ticket otherwise I probably would have never gone myself. This wasn't like me just dropping everything and leaving town. Granted though I didn't have much that I was leaving behind. I had been trying to get my job back, or rather a job back at CHOP for awhile now and every day it was the same story that they didn't have any space due to budget cutbacks that was the reason that they gave me when they "fired" me.

The flight wasn't as long as I thought it would have been and before I knew it, mostly because I slept for the majority of the trip I was landing at Sea-Tac airport in Washington State. I debarked the plane when it had stopped and headed for the area where you could meet incoming passengers, at least I thought that's where Doug was going to meet me. That was about the only place where he could have met me.

"Anna!" I heard a voice calling to me.

I looked for it and finally managed to spot Doug in the sea of people, he really hadn't changed all that much in the 16 months that I hadn't seen him. "Hey Doug." I hoped I looked better than I felt, but I knew that I still had those dark bags under my eyes and looked pretty worn down. I think that in the 16 months I had aged about 12 years.

Once we were near each other Doug greeted me with a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek, "it's good to see you, hope that your flight was okay." He took my bag from my shoulder without saying anything about it and took my hand as he started to lead me out of the airport, "you look exhausted, do you want to grab a bite to eat someplace or just head back to my house and get some sleep?"

I didn't think that right now was the time to tell him about my new liquid diet, "food sounds good, I slept on the plane, for most of the trip over actually, we can grab something to eat that would be great." I said to him as we headed through the airport and towards where he had parked his jeep.

"Dinner it is then." He said as we both got into the jeep and he started to drive, "I know this great little place, it's not crowded give us a chance to talk a little while we eat." His attention was on the traffic now but I knew that he was worried from the way that his voice sounded as he talked to me, "it will take us about 20 minutes to get there. Hope your not starving."

"No not starving." I answered him back. Conversation wasn't something that I had been having much of lately, at least not while I was completely sober, and since I had managed to sleep on the plane I missed cocktail call. Which hadn't made me happy, sober yes, happy no.

It took us 15 minutes to get there; I guess traffic wasn't as bad as Doug was expecting it to be. We got out and I followed him inside where he got us a table and we were seated. Doug got us a couple of beers before he started conversation again.

"I have to admit, you're not looking all that great Anna, no offense." He said looking at me.

"I've had a rough few weeks Doug, kind of takes a toll on someone after awhile, I'll be fine." That wasn't very reassuring, or it didn't seem that way to me.

"Yeah I'm sure." He said his eyes not leaving me as we sat there. "You said you got fired?"

"Yeah budget cuts at the hospital and they needed to let some people go, I just happened to be one of them." I said, "they might have a spot for me in a few weeks, as an attending there, nothing like what I was doing but it's work."

"That's a good thing; here I thought you had gotten fired for something else." No beating around the bush for him.

"Nope no other reason other than budget cuts." I said as I finished off the beer that he had put in front of me, motioning for another one out of habit, "sorry if I gave you the impression that it was something else."

"Yeah well you did give me that impression and from the way that you look right now I think that I have every reason to be concerned about you." He said.

"Why," I said, "I just hit a rough spot and it's starting to pass, I'm fine Doug there's no reason to worry." Worry was exactly what everyone at this point should have been doing but no one really seemed to care anymore and my thought were if they didn't care why should I.

"Oh I'm sure that it passes, what after a fifth of gin or maybe it's after a nice shot of something, Demerol, morphine, Dr. Del Amico could probably get her hands on whatever she wanted to ease her pain and suffering."

"I told you I was tempted, and that's it, I never crossed that line." I knew that I was talking about the drugs more than the alcohol at that point, but the last time I checked it wasn't illegal to drink to one's heart's content.

"I believe that your words were temptation is a hard thing to resist." He pointed out to her, "someone's got to care about you, even if it is just me from the other side of the country. You should see what you actually really look like right now Anna, it's not pretty."

"Oh so this trip here, sending me a plane ticket, that's you way of pulling some kind of unneeded and unwanted intervention?" I said to him now getting upset but not showing it, over the past few weeks I had gotten very good at hiding my emotions from those who were around me.

"Yeah you could say that. I'm sure that you can't see the trouble that you are headed for."

"I'm not headed for any trouble Doug. I'm not doing anything that is against the law." I respond in my defense.

The waiter set another beer down in front of me and Doug looked at it and then looked at me. "No, you might not be doing anything that's illegal but that doesn't mean that you are not getting into any kind of trouble."

"I have everything under control." That was my response to that.

"If it's under control then you won't mind me taking this." He reached across the table for the beer and my hand shot out touching his.

"If you want another one, then get one." I say to him. "There's nothing wrong with having a couple of beers every now and then."

"Depends on how you define every now and then." Doug said giving me a very serious look, "every couple of hours, every couple of days, every couple of weeks, every now and then can be defined many ways."

"Get to the point Doug." I snap a little at him now.

"Anna we all get into trouble every now and then and we are usually the last ones to see it." He said his hand now resting on mine, "sometimes it takes a friend to see when another friend's sinking fast and to throw them a lifeline before they screw up their live so bad that there is no going back." He took a breath in and I just kept my eyes focused on him as he spoke. "You're starting to go down a path that leads only two places, neither place is a place that I can guarantee that you want to be. One path leads to hitting rock bottom and having to claw your way back up to the top, fighting to get everything that you once held dear to you back. Once you hit that bottom your family, your friends, they will never look at you the same way again. The second place that path could end is the morgue, a body bag with a tag on your toe that says who you are, if they figure that one out. You will either end up killing yourself, and there will be several ways that could happen some not so pretty, or you will end up killing someone else and wish for every day for the rest of your life that it was you. Because that guilt will never go away and will never ease up."

Doug wasn't painting a very pretty picture at the moment and in a way I knew that he was probably right but didn't want to listen to it. "I'm sure that is true for most people Doug." I said, "for those who decide to take one of those two paths, but you see my friend I am not on either one of those right now, and haven't made the decision that I am going to take either one of them."

"That's where you are wrong." He said to me again, "you made the choice to go down one of those two paths when you got drunk that first time after the bad things started happening. You decided that you weren't going to take the medications to ease the pain but you were going to drink it away, take the legal option, yet in the end you are still throwing it all away, it's just that this way is a lot harder to see than the other way."

"I'm not doing that." Denial was a hard emotion to get rid of.

"Yes you are." He said trying to force the truth down my throat, "you can't see it but I can. Look at you, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, the dark circles under your eyes, they are there, your cheeks are sunk in, you've lost weight and a lot of it." He said looking at me intensely now. "When I got to you at the airport your hands were beginning to shake and I know that you are not nervous, you could see that you weren't. Those were tremors, shakes that are easing up now that you have more alcohol in your system. I'm not telling you that you are a drunk, just telling you how I see it, and trust me Anna; you are not the first person that I have known to take that road. I grew up with an alcoholic."

"I am not an alcoholic." I regret the implication that he thinks that I am one, "I had a few drinks when my dad died; I had a few drinks when I lost my job, when my husband and I have had a nasty fight, but that doesn't mean that I am a drunk."

"You can't stop anymore can you; I'm just going to have one, turns into two, which results in half the bottle or the whole thing. No one is around when you drink; you are hiding from everyone when you do it. Slipping it into your morning coffee thinking that no one will know. It might look like a glass of water and if no one tries to drink from it they won't know that you are drinking vodka straight from the bottle now."

I was silent now I didn't know what to say or if I should even say anything. I didn't have a defense to that one, when you were caught you were caught and it was just a matter of time before they made you see the truth, that is if you were willing to listen to them.

"I want to help Anna, that's why I had you come up here. I could tell that you were in trouble or heading for trouble and I don't want to see that happen to you." He said to me now. "Everyone needs help from their friends; let me give it to you. I have this feeling that no one back home knows about this, either that or they don't want to see it, but I can, and I want to do what I can to make sure that nothing bad happens to you."

I just nod, I can't find words right now, it's not that I want to be silent but what do you say when someone calls you out like that, when they don't give you the chance to back out to cover your butt and make excuses.

The next thing I knew was that Doug had our dinner to go and we were headed back to his house, it was going to be a long trip to Seattle but in the end I knew that whatever he could do to help get me over this, through the rough spot that I had found myself in, was worth it. I was drowning and could find my way back to the surface. I needed help and was finally willing to take it from a dear friend.


	7. Getting it all together

**Chapter 7: Getting it all together.**

_September 24, 1999_

_Hey there Carter!_

_Sorry that I haven't written is so long or that I haven't been able to call you… or if you have called you probably have gotten my answering machine more times that you cared to. Things are getting better though than the last time that I talked to you. I've been in Seattle with Doug for nearly a month now and it's been good for me. _

_Talking to you is always good, but I just needed an extra kick in the butt to get it together and Doug somehow managed to do that for me. You know you are one of my closest friends, but when you are not doing so well sometimes its those people who you want to hide it from. I was taking everything so hard with Dad passing away, losing my job, I just got lost but now I'm there again. I know that my work will be better because of all of this too._

_By the time that you get this I should be back on my way to Philly again and looking forward to getting home and back into the swing of life there again. I'll call you soon I promise, that is something that I can promise and manage to keep. It's something that I can control, if it's not in my control, no more promises._

_Okay well I know this is short but I need to get going, Doug is waiting, I guess we are going out on his boat since it's stopped raining for the first time in like a week. I've never been out on a boat before so this should be an interesting adventure. One that I won't admit to Doug, but I am looking forward to it._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Anna_

"Hey come on put the pen down there slow poke."

I set it down to glance up at Doug standing there in the door way looking at me, "I'm coming just hold your horses."

"Yeah right here," he tosses me a sweatshirt, "you'll need it, it might get chilly out there and the last thing I need is for you to get sick on me."

"I won't get sick on you."

"Yeah Anns that a famous last statement." Doug said, "you call Max?"

"About a half hour ago." I reply back to him.

"All well on the home front?"

"Yeah he says he misses me and wants me to come home soon." I relay what I was told to him. "Nothing new there, told him I'd be home in a few days we could talk more about things then."

"I know a conversation that you don't want to have, but you know you need to have it right?"

We start walking down and out of the house now towards the dock where the boat is. "Yeah I know that it is one that we have to have, and yes you are right I am not looking forward to having to go over this all again with him but I will."

He helps me onto the boat as he starts to untie it from the dock and then motor us out further away from the shore. "You're going to be okay, you know that don't you?"

"Yeah I know, thanks to you, it's all going to be okay."

"Yes Anna it is." He reaches over and pats my hand, "now let's enjoy this little boat ride while we still have the good weather."

We take off a little faster now as he cruises us around Lake Washington. Seattle held more than I thought it would and I felt better than I had in a long time. Maybe there was hope for me yet when I got back to Philly. That somehow inside I would be able to hold it all together and get through this one step at a time.


	8. Returning to work

**Chapter 8: Returning to Work.**

_January 20, 2000_

_hey Doug,_

_New Year, new goals, new plan. I think that just summed it all up. I know in the last letter I sent you I told you about getting a job, it's not as nice as the one that I had and I'm a junior resident for right now, but hey it's my foot in the door and I really like what I am doing._

_I had that conversation with Max, well we kind of had to have it in parts cause it got to be pretty heavy for the two of us at times and rather than say something that we knew we would end up regretting later, we agreed ahead of time that if someone needed a time out all they had to do was walk away and the other person would respect that, it worked for us, cause so far we haven't had anymore of those horrible yelling matches and are getting along better than we have in a long time._

_Part of that might be the therapy that we are in too. Yeah we are giving couples therapy a try, learning techniques to keep us talking and happy, kind of this marriage 101 thing that we should have taken before we got married but late is better than not at all. We go once a week and she's pretty good, at least we have gotten past the talking about all the negative stuff that we've had happen and can see the happier times, and maybe that there are more of those time out there for us._

_Max just bounced the clean socks off my head telling me that I need to hurry up or we are going to miss our dinner reservations. Part of our new getting on track plan. We have a date night that neither one of us can make plans for or pick up shifts on. That's the rule it's Tuesdays nights so that it won't fall on a night that one of us might have an emergency come up but if something does, and it really is an emergency we are allowed to reschedule it. So far so good though. He says to say thanks for what you did for me, he's very appreciative of the fact that I have such a good friend. ouch there's another pair of socks cause I told him that he was going to give you a big head and then I'd have to deal with it not him._

_Okay he's pulling at me now, down on his knees in front of me singing some cheesy, way out of tune love song. _

_Take care,_

_Anna._


	9. Lost You

**Chapter 9: Lost you**

I was sitting at home with Max watching a movie. It was the first time in days that we had gotten to spend any time quiet with each other. Work for him was keeping him busy and mine was just as intense right now. And we decided tonight that we would just savor the down time and the still that was in the apartment right now.

The phone rang shattering that silence that we were enjoying too much. I untangled myself from Max and headed to answer it. Both of us hoping that it wasn't work or if it was work that it was for the other person cause neither one of us wanted to go in.

"Rosher residence." I said as I answered the phone.

"Is Anna Del Amico there," I heard a voice on the other end of the line that sounded semi familiar but I couldn't quite figure it out as to who it belonged to.

"Yes this is she." I said relieved that it wasn't work but someone else wanting something other than me to cover a shift or work a double, or some hospital related objective.

"Anna it's Mark Greene from County General in Chicago."

"Oh Mark, hey hello." I say relieved now that I know who it is and that neither me nor Max was going to have to go anywhere. "What can I do for you?"

"Actually I am calling about Carter." Seemed that no one there ever used that poor man's first time but something just never sounded right when you called him John, or you put the word doctor in front of it.

There's something about the tone of his voice that makes me a little uneasy and why would someone be calling me about Carter, "Mark what happened?" Those words shot out of my mouth before I could even think.

"Carter was stabbed on late yesterday night."

It takes a minute for that to register with me, that's not something that would happen to Carter of all people, "is he… is he… is he alright?"

"He was injured pretty badly and is up in the ICU right now, but he was asking for you."

That had to be a good sign, "oh man." I run my hand through my hair as Max has moved from the couch where he was sitting to standing next to me, I'm sure he got the picture that something wasn't right from the tone of my voice and the posture that my body language had taken on.

"I told him that I would call you and see if you could come."

"Yeah, yeah," I said stuttering some, Max is looking at me with concern in his eyes, "Mark tell him that I will catch the first flight that I can."

"I will be safe Anna."

I hang the phone up and just stand there for a minute unsure of what I should say.

"Anna what's wrong, fly where?"

"Carter's been stabbed," I say with this tone still of disbelieve to my voice, it was almost unreal.

"We will get you to Chicago." I hear Max say to me, "I know he's one of your best friends and you need to be there, let him know you care."

That was the one thing about Max that I never had to worry about when it came to my friends, especially those who were male. He knew where my loyalties lied, that I was the type of person to take a commitment to someone very seriously and never wander away from that.

"Yeah, I need to go he's asking for me."

Saying that out loud just didn't make things feel any better, and I'm not sure that if it was because it made things feel more real or if it had made the situation sound desperately horrible.

Max took my hand and led me into the bedroom and helped me back a bag, "we'll get you tickets when we get to the airport." He said before noticing that I didn't seem to be there all the way with him. "What did Mark say happened?"

"He didn't say what happened, and uh, I didn't think to ask." I look at him, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry Anna." He said as we got ready to leave the house, "just go spend time with your friend, call me when you get there so that I know that you are okay and that he is okay." I feel him place a kiss on my forehead, "it will all be okay Anna, and he's going to be fine."

I nod my response back, not hiding the concern for an old friend from my face. Max knows that Carter and I are nothing more than that just old friends and he has been the one who has insisted that I not cut myself off from friends.

I'm in this half shock state right now wondering what had happened, how it could have happened, but what is in the front of my mind is the hopes that he's going to be okay. We drive to the airport and Max grabs my bag from the trunk and leads me into the airport where he gets me onto the next flight to Chicago.

We walk together as far as security. "Here take this." He says, "if you can't find a place to stay get yourself a decent room and eat too."

I am still only able to nod but I kiss him on the cheek. He grabs me into a tight hug before letting go to send me through the security gates to board the plane, "be safe sweetheart." He says as I work my way through to the boarding gates. In a little over two hours I would be landing at the airport and working my way to the hospital where I would spend the next few days sitting by Carter's bedside keeping him company. Shocked that during the entire time I was there not a single member of his family other than his Gamma had come to visit him.

I didn't leave Chicago until I knew for sure that Carter was going to be alright. Actually it was at his insistence that I get back to work that I finally managed to leave. He was going to stay with his Gamma once he was discharged from the hospital and even though with everything that had happened he seemed to be doing okay. I would have stayed longer if he had wanted me too. Maybe he was just tired of seeing my face everyday or perhaps he needed some alone time for a bit, either way I packed up and caught a flight back to Philadelphia making promises to call and write. Both of them I fully intended to keep.


	10. Call Me Daddy

**Chapter 10: Call me Daddy**

It's midnight and I am just now climbing into bed. Work had been nightmarish, for June it was freakishly hot today and I think that everyone in the city had fallen off their rockers and decided today was the day that they were going to beat whatever they could get their hands on up.

There had been fist fight injuries, stabbings, and more than one youngster with a roller-blade injury. I had splinted arms, put casts on legs, wrists, wrapped knees, sutured cuts, and been puked on several times by various people who had had too much sun. After a hot shower and another shift at 7 am all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and close my eyes to get some sleep. Max was still at work, he had the 7 pm to 7 am one tonight. Lucky him, there wasn't much left over by the time that I had gotten done to help them get caught up from the overflow that had come in during the late afternoon hours.

The sharp loud horrible sound of my phone ringing tells me that I am not going to get to go to sleep anytime soon. "This had better be good." I say as I pick it up, thinking that it's work calling me back in again, or some resident needing something that one of the other attending doctors just couldn't provide.

"Well hello to you to."

"Doug?" I glance at the clock, only Doug would call at midnight and be that chipper on the phone considering he was three hours behind in time zones.

"How ya doing Anns?"

"I'm tired Doug." I say into the phone. "How are you doing?"

"I'm great," he says back to me, "Carol and the girls are here and finally settled in. They are so beautiful; I wish you could see them."

"Doug what time is it?" I say, here we go again, this wasn't the first time he had called, last time he called after a shift and it was 2 am.

"Nine." He replies back to me.

"Nine really huh," I say glancing over at my clock, I really have to fight this time however not to be over sarcastic with him, "you know I just got off work I went in at 7 this morning and rather than work the 12 that I was supposed to I ended up working an extra 4 and a half hours tonight."

There's silence now on the phone as I think that he's doing the math to that one, not that it's complicated or nothing but still.

"Oh man I am sorry Anns." I finally hear him say I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I hadn't gotten to sleep yet. I've only been home maybe a half hour and I so needed a shower tonight it wasn't even funny."

"Bad day?"

"Not so much a bad day as it has been a very long hot day." I say rolling over onto my bad, "it was a 103 here today for some dumb reason, short tempers and kids out of school, that's never a good combination."

"No it's not." He says to me.

"Yeah so, what's going on, any particular reason for calling me in the middle of the night."

"It's not the middle of the night… well not here."

"That's it Doug, swear to god the next time that I move I'm moving to a spot where the time zone difference works in my favor not in yours."

"You wouldn't do that to me."

"Ha," I half laugh back, "right now, just try me."

"Dr. Grumpy." He says back to me as we joke back and forth with each other for a few minutes.

Doug tells me all about how the girls are doing, how great it's been since Carol came up to Seattle. He tells me about how they found her a nice job and that it's got a great day care on site for the girls. I can tell by talking to him for even just a few minutes how much better things have gotten for him having his family there in Seattle with him.

"Ah Doug it sounds really nice." I say after listening to him for awhile, "I can't say that I am green with envy though, I like being able to sleep through the night. Okay well I guess tonight you were just busting to share the joy of not sleeping all night and being sleep deprived with me."

"Hey I already said I was sorry for that."

"I know I should tattoo Anna is three hours later than me on some part of your body so that you won't forget, although I'm surprised that Carol didn't remind you."

"She's upstairs laying down with Kate."

"Well then that explains my late hour phone call from you. Sneaking in behind her back to call me so that she can't keep you from doing it." I say, "oh well but I really should get to bed, it's late and I have a 7 am shift in the morning."

"Yeah I should let you go, I think I hear Tess stirring and I don't want her to wake Carol and Kate up if they have fallen asleep."

"Guess that I should call you daddy now." I laugh softly rolling over onto my side so that I can hang the phone up in a few minutes.

"A proud one at that." I can tell by his voice that he's smiling.

"You're going to be a great one too, I know it." I say, "give them kisses from me and tell Carol I say hello. I'll talk to you later."

"Night Anna."

"Night Doug." I say leaning over to hang up the phone. My head hits the pillow again and with in a few minutes I am out like a light. Dreaming my happy thoughts happy for him and Carol finally getting their acts together.


	11. Beating it's never easy

**Chapter 11: Beating it's never easy**

June flew by and before I knew it August was there, and I swear when I blinked it was September. It had been three months since I had heard from Carter and well I had talked to Doug back in June, but I had a feeling that he was just busy with the girls and work. Family man now didn't leave much time for friends when they were little and well not only did they have one but two that were little.

And I did get some pictures of the girls from him around the middle of August. He and Carol had taken them down for pictures. It was hard to believe that they would soon be a year old. The year had just seemed to have gotten away from me soon it would be another year.

I had just got a coke and was settling down into my favorite chair to work on a journal article that I had started reading the night before but had fallen asleep while making a very weak attempt to get it read when the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey Anna."

"Hey John, I was just thinking about you."

"What's up?"

"Not much right now, just working on getting some of this reading done, it tends to pile up after you don't touch it for a few weeks." I say letting out a soft laugh, "how are you doing?"

"I'm okay." He says but I can tell that there's something different in the tone of his voice.

"Just okay, that doesn't sound too promising. What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing is wrong right now." He says to me.

"Really?" I say back to him, "there's got to be something honestly you don't sound that great right now."

"Oh."

"Hey you know that you can talk to me about anything right?" I say trying to be a good friend, "I'm home alone right now too." Not that Max would ever sit there and listen in on a phone conversation but if it was something that he didn't want anyone else to know about I wanted him to know that it would be okay to talk right now.

"Yeah I know." He says, there's this flatness to his voice that I can't make heads or tails of over the phone, but I knew that if I had been standing right there that I would have been able to easily read the look on his face.

I'm not sure what to say to him, the tone of his voice is throwing me off. I needed to say something cause I didn't want silence that might scare him, "works been crazy here."

"Has it, must be the warm weather. Did you get new students?"

"Yeah we got some new ones, so far they aren't too bad but then they are still pretty fresh and new." I say back to him.

"There's new ones at County too. I don't know them that well." I hear him say to me. "uh I just got back from Atlanta."

"Atlanta, you finally took a vacation." I say, "that's good, did you have a good time."

There's quietness now as I wait for him to answer me. "I wasn't there on vacation."

I'm trying to think if there had been any conferences in Atlanta but I was drawing a blank to what had all been going on in the medical community. "Oh." I say simply back to him waiting for him to go on, there had to have been a reason that he had been there.

John slowly started to finally tell me everything that had happened since we had talked last, how bad things got, how he almost lost everything that he had been working for. Slowly but surely he told me about his addiction and how they finally were able to get him to go down to Atlanta for rehab. He then started to tell me how he had been going to AA meetings and about Abby being his sponsor. He also told me about all the restrictions that Kerry had put on him.

I tried to reassure him that they were just being careful cause they cared about him as a friend. That she wasn't doing it as some form of punishment and that coming back and jumping into everything as if he had never left, wouldn't be good for him. I felt bad that he had to go through all of it but I also knew that it was a good thing that he had such good friends as Mark and Kerry to keep him safe.

We must have sat on the phone for a good four hours, talking about the steps that he would have to take as part of AA and that it was just the start of what would be a long road for him but that I knew that he had the strength to get through all of it. He still had Mark and Kerry and Abby now to keep an eye on him, to help him when temptation called knocking on his door, the temptation would never go away but he needed to know that there were people that he could rely on and though I was several hours away that I was still someone that he could call if he ever needed me.


	12. It's Never Going To Be The Same

**Chapter 12: It's never going to be the same.**

The letters and phone calls became sporadic over the next year. Carter and I talked maybe once every three or four months. If something important happened he would call me and we'd chat but other than that, we were pretty much long distance friends. Doug and I talked more frequent with the phone calls coming at least once a month of course he called whenever his daughters did something that he thought I should know about and he finally got the hang of sending emails although I had to laugh, Anns stuck cause when Doug would type, he'd always it the s rather than the a.

He would send me pictures of the girls and they were getting so big, and he and Carol were finally talking about getting married, which made me happy cause those two were destined to be together, that much I knew.

I flew out to Seattle July of 2001 for Doug and Carol's wedding, it was one of the greatest days of my life seeing those two finally tie the knot. I stayed in Seattle for a week taking the girls so that Doug and Carol could have some grown up time without little fingers pushing through under the door or having to worry about being walked in on.

Then it was back to my life in Philadelphia once again and things there managed to keep me busy for the most part. I had thrown myself back into work loving every minute of it. I fully understood what I loved about my job and being in the ER helped to keep it fresh, never the same thing twice and you never knew what was going to come through those door at any given moment.

The holidays came and went and we all exchanged Christmas cards. I sent small gifts for the girls and a very cheesy tie to Doug more as a gag than anything else, something to make him think of me every now and then and to get a good laugh from.

Things were good and life couldn't have been going any better or so I thought. January came and I came down with what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible, nauseated to the core, at times I had trouble catching my breath and I completely lost my appetite. Two weeks had passed and I wasn't feeling much better I was barely able to eat half the time working I would lose track of time, or so I claimed and just simply forget to eat. The nausea had passed some although it did hit every now and then and I was losing a lot of weight not that I had a lot of extra to begin with. But I still really didn't think that much about it.

February came and I still hadn't gotten up to speed, I was still overly tired and well I just attributed it to the stress of everything, my first thoughts were that Max and I were going to have a baby, but mother nature told me otherwise. I was working a lot of hour's maybe I just needed to cut back a little and stop pushing myself so hard.

March came, another month passing by and nothing that I was doing seemed to help, the reduction of hours I was still tired, still not able to eat much more than a little bit at a time and for the most part. Finally after three months of not feeling like myself Max was able to talk me into going to the doctor. I hated going to the doctor, I was a doctor and therefore if something was wrong with me I should know it. I didn't think that anything was wrong. But this time I was wrong, dead wrong.

It was the beginning of April when I finally did end up seeing them and they told me the diagnosis. I wanted to cry and that was just what I did. Nothing could have prepared me for what they had found. I was too young, I told myself. This isn't supposed to be happening to me. This happens to other people not me and I knew that doctor had to be wrong just wrong; I could not have ovarian cancer.

It took me an hour to try and find the courage to explain it to Max. I just didn't know how to tell him that I had something this terrible. We went through all the lab tests that the needed I had my chest tapped and drained of the effusion to help so that I could breath, CT scans to see where all it might have spread to, I think that I gave them enough blood to provide transfusions to a small army.

I hadn't told Doug or Carter about any of this yet, I just didn't know how. Most of my own family didn't even know about it and I wasn't sure that I did want them to know about it yet. I would eventually tell them but this was all so new and raw to me that I just couldn't do it yet.

May was a month that I would never forget. It was about 2 in the afternoon when the phone rang and Carol called me. She was in tears telling me that Mark had died. I sat down in the chair next to the phone after I had hung it up and cried.

Max and I both went to his funeral but neither of us said anything about what had been going on with us in Philly. It wasn't the right time and it wasn't the place and he and I caught a plane back home shortly after the funeral. The shorter time we were there the less likely it was that something was going to come up.

I had surgery at that point to remove the cancerous tumors and any dreams that we might have had about having children went up in smoke. I then went on my first round of chemo and was still able to keep in touch with Doug and Carter via email now rather than snail mail. But I just couldn't tell them what was up with me. I would lie and tell them everything was fine when they'd ask.

By Christmas of 2003 I had finished my first round of Chemo and things were looking good until that spot came back, and then it all started again. I knew that the odds of beating this were not good, it was a highly fatal form of cancer that had only a 50 five year survival rate and that stage 4 was not promising.

2004, was not the start of the best year for me either, things just kept going down hill. I did chemo and lost my hair, then I did radiation didn't help things much either. I ended up moving out of the apartment and away from Max in March of 2004. I didn't think that he needed to watch all of this happen and it was just better if we let go now.

I had tried all that I could try, given it every effort that I could over the time that I had. I knew that there were some things that I needed to do before time ran out completely there were some things that you always knew and then there were some things that we never certain. And I wanted to do everything that I could before my time on earth was through. I set of on a mini trip of sorts to see old friends, to say goodbye and to let them know just how much they meant to me.


End file.
